How Can I Tell Her
(End of Canon in DIF IV - Chapter 4)
“Fei, can we have a talk about our relationship?” Chin Chin had envisioned over and over in her mind how Fei might react when this moment came. However, she had never seen such mixed emotions in his eyes. Yet it was his response that gave her the ultimate surprise.
“I’m not ready to get married yet!”
‘That was not even what I wanted to talk about!’ Chin Chin thought to herself. She then let out a deep sigh and ceased the opportunity to challenge him. “But you were ready to marry Kwan before I was rescued…” She stopped speaking when Fei lifted his head and glared at her.
She read a tint of resentment in his eyes as he knew what she was going to say, then his eyes turned sorrowful before he turned his head to look at the floor again. She understood he was agitated and frustrated from the conversation they just had about the heavy mortgage and invasion of his privacy. She didn’t want to fume him further.
Looking at him with his dejected demeanor, Chin Chin was reminded of what Kwan said when she made up that excuse to visit her at the office with the French Sandwich. Kwan had told her that Fei didn’t belong to her. Chin Chin was now thinking Fei never did belong to anyone, not to Kwan and certainly not to herself as Kwan had thought. She used to think perhaps his stubborn character was blinding him from seeing the truth, but she realized it was fear that was preventing him from speaking the truth. A fear that he had tied himself to all by his own doings.
When Chin Chin was hospitalized, she was visited by a church member on a daily basis. Just before her discharge, she gave her life to God and was a born again Christian and learned that fear could prohibit a person from living the life that he or she were meant to live.
Silence fell for about a minute when Fei finally lifted his eyes to look at Chin Chin again. “It’s late. I need to get up early tomorrow!”
She knew it was time to leave Fei alone, yet her blood was starting to steam because she felt she was losing another chance to talk some sense into his thick skull. “Fine, I’m not talking to you anymore!” Just before she turned to leave, she gave him her last word of frustration for the night. “I’m going to pray to God to help you release your own fear.”
Chin Chin returned to her own bedroom to calm her spirit down. After much prayers, she was convinced that the problem between Kwan and Fei was indeed Fei himself. She was determined to mend their relationship by hook or by crook. But just before she fell asleep, she smiled heavenwards and told Jesus. “Okay Lord, I’ll wait to see what you will do. Though I think it is going to take a miracle cos Fei is so stubborn!”
A few days later, Chin Chin noticed Fei was in a very good mood. She also knew he had met up with Kwan that afternoon. Following that week, the issue of the mortgage had been resolved and the tension at home was appeased. Whenever Chin Chin saw a genuine smile on Fei, she felt happy for him. However, she often wondered how long it was going to take him to realize it was Kwan who made him truly happy. She attempted to take matters into her own hands by inviting Kwan to join them for meals. After a few turn downs from Kwan, she tried to include Chi Shan in the invitation. But it seemed Kwan caught on to what she was trying to do and had told her to not waste her effort and energy anymore. But she refused to give up.
As weeks went on, it seemed things were going well for Fei as he was often in a good mood. Chin Chin noticed he was smiling more. One evening, he even teased her when he returned home from work to find her playing an old song by the Drifter.
“The melody is very catchy!” Fei told her when he joined her in the living room after his shower. He took the insert from the CD case and sat down on the sofa to follow the song with the lyrics. “You seem to like this song a lot!”
Chin Chin refused to be distracted by his comment and continued to sing to the end of the song.
So don't forget who's taking you home or in whose arms you're gonna be
So darling, save the last dance for me
Oh baby, won't you save the last dance for me
Ooh, you make a promise that you'll save the last dance for me
Save the last dance, the very last dance
For me
When the song came to an end, Fei gave Chin Chin an inquisitive smile. “You’re not up to your old tricks again, are you?”
“Old tricks?” Chin Chin sat down next to him. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you’ve been playing this song in the car and at home for a couple of weeks now!” Fei expressed. “Am I supposed to pay attention to the lyrics? A message you’re trying to send me?”
Chin Chin thought about what she used to do in the past. Then she spilled out her laughter. “You thought I was trying to ask you to save your last dance for me?”
“Well then why have you been playing this song over and over again all this time?” Fei asked.
“It’s called doing a choreography for Nathaniel!” Chin Chin stated and emphasized. “Tsui Fei, my world doesn’t revolve around you only!”
Fei smiled with a chuckle. Chin Chin noticed it was a genuine smile of relief. She felt comforted for he was finally starting to believe that she was capable of moving on with her life after abduction and could very well handle things on her own again. His smile brought her a glimpse of hope. She decided to give his heart a knock in hope that he would open up to let her in. “Speaking of such, who would you save your last dance for?”
Immediately, Fei’s thoughts took him back to the time on the fabricated island where Kwan ask a similar type of question. The ‘If’ question. But he remained quiet and didn’t answer Chin Chin’s inquisition. He knew the answer, he just didn’t know how to tell her the things in his heart about Kwan. Furthermore, unlike Kwan, Chin Chin didn’t have the key to unlock his heart.
Chin Chin read his eyes and knew it was not the time to push him for an answer. She was determined to mend the relationship between him and Kwan, but she didn’t want to jeopardize her chances when things were going well. Now that she found out Kwan was going away to the States soon, she had to plan her next step carefully. Judging by his good mood lately, Chin Chin was certain Fei didn’t know of Kwan’s plan to leave Hong Kong yet.
So she changed the subject and teased him back, and she wouldn’t lose any opportunity to throw hints at him. “You don’t have to tell me, I already know! It is not me! Do not ever dedicate this song to me, you hear?”
“Wow! I had no idea you are so presumptuous!” Fei bantered back and laughter broke out between them.
Suddenly, Chin Chin was inspired. “There is one song you can dedicate to me. Maybe even sing it to me!”
Fei looked at her to see if she was being serious. She was very, very serious. When she told him the name of the song, he scoffed at her and told her she was nuts. “Yeah, like that’s going to happen!”
He placed the CD case on the coffee table and got up to leave before Chin Chin could throw another crazy idea at him.
“Fei! You have to! It is the only song I want you to sing to me.” Chin Chin called after him. “And mean it too!”
And that was how Chin Chin planted the seed in Fei’s head. Upon returning to his room, he couldn’t help but wondered why she wanted him to dedicate that song to her. Of all the love songs in the world, why that song? And so Chin Chin kept reminding him whenever she was given the chance. Along with having the CD player in his car be on repeated mode for that particular song, she played it while he was in the shower, in the kitchen washing dishes, and when he was home reading the news or playing games on his computer. She even changed her voicemail message to that particular song, for the number of possible callers she would get could be counted with one hand, the symbol for peace with her fingers. And whenever Fei called her, she would intentionally let it go the voicemail just so he would hear the song. As for her other caller, Nathaniel was fully onboard with what she was trying to do.
One day, just before Kwan was about to leave for America, she returned Chin Chin’s call and was led to the voicemail. Her laughter was recorded as part of the message she left for Chin Chin. When Chin Chin called Kwan back, she was asked about the song. Upon hearing why she recorded the song, Kwan gave the same bout of laughter. “Yeah, like that’s going to happen!”
“See! That’s exactly what Fei said too!” Chin Chin continued with her gleeful voice. “You two are so, so, so, meant to be!”